It is Christmas Eve. It’s freezing outside but I feel myself starting to sweat. My anticipation has been slowly progressing for the past hour and the advancement has unfortunately reached my mind, compelling me to feel nervous. I can feel my tongue gradually confusing itself and I know I will stumble over my words every time I try to speak. I had carefully chosen each word, but suddenly I couldn’t remember any of them. Despite all this, I feel exceptionally excited, which simply serves to confuse my emotions even more. I am about to make a decision that would change the rest of my life. The planning I had done for such a long time finally is becoming real.
This past December I asked my girlfriend of eighteen months to marry me. It was no surprise to her since we talk about marriage often; however, this decision set in stone a change that will forever affect both of our lives. Both before and after our engagement, the question I have been asked the most is, “how did you know that she’s ‘the one’?” Many others answer this question with the standard “when you know, you know.” While that is, to some extent, a true statement, I found there is much more to the process than that. I hope that here I can address some practical advice (from a Christian perspective) that will benefit anyone who is generally weighing out the whole relationship thing. Here we go:
- Stop searching. People may disagree with me on this, but that is the most important piece of advice I can offer. In high school I often tried to identify myself by my relationships. I would be constantly searching, trying to find that “perfect girl” that fit everything I had ever imagined. It wasn’t until I decided to take a break from dating that God brought me Larisa. More importantly, searching for a relationship is a way for us to try and control the outcome of our lives and only functions to unnecessarily elevate marriage. Instead of seeking God’s plan for our lives, we rely only on what we think is best. God may have an incredible plan that involves singleness for all or part of our lives and it is vital that we are open to His plan, no matter how hard that road is (this could really be its own blog post – perhaps in the future). When we search, we tend to settle – and I don’t think God wants us to settle for anything less than what He has planned.
- Pursue a believer. Especially for the guys who are reading this post, I know how appealing it can seem (especially in our younger years) to date a girl who doesn’t hold the same values as us. Please don’t do this. Scripture paints a really clear picture on this (2 Cor. 6:14; 1 Cor. 7:16, 39) and it is better for both individuals if that conflict is completely avoided. Click here for a great article that discusses this topic further. It is absolutely worth waiting for that person who will push you to be a better follower of Christ every single day, and vice-versa!
- Pursue someone you’re attracted to. While this may seem obvious, I just want to emphasize its importance. It is not shallow to make this a priority. This doesn’t only apply to physical attraction but that certainly is a large part of it. God created this mysterious desire for a reason and it would be wise for us to allow it to weigh in on our decision.
- Pursue someone you enjoy being around. You will be spending the rest of your life, however long that is, with this person. It’s extremely important that the two of you laugh, have fun, and generally enjoy the other’s company. While this does not mean that there is an absence of conflict (I wish that was possible), it does mean that conflict will not overtake your gratification for that person.
- Pursue someone you can be honest with. Struggles, fears, doubts. These are all things that are normal in a relationship. In order to maintain a healthy relationship, you and your significant other have to be willing to be honest with each other about everything that you are feeling. Expecting things to be assumed leads only to conflict and can allow for unspoken feelings to continue to eat away at us until we work through them. This takes time to develop but it is an important thing to be thinking about.
- Pursue someone who values the little things. This one goes both ways. Both of you need to be willing to sacrifice and do things that the other person loves, whether you both care about it or not. For example, I love to go to music events and festivals and even though that wasn’t something that interested her before we met, Larisa has been willing to step into my world and go with me. Similarly, I have learned that Larisa feels the most loved when I will just sit, watch a TV show, and be brainless with her. Even though I sometimes feel like that is a waste of time, I do it because it’s important to her. It’s a game of sacrifice.
These are just a few of the things I have found to be most important in seeking a partner for life. It may seem overwhelming but I encourage you to just lean back and enjoy the ride God has for you. Don’t stress yourself out over this decision because there is no need to rush to make it happen. God truly does have perfect timing. Simply remember that His plan is better than our plan 100% of the time. We should especially value what He has for us when it comes to a life-altering decision such as dating and marriage.
Here's my thoughts, I'd love to hear yours! Please comment below with any thoughts, feedback, or questions!