So, three months into our relationship, we started long-distance dating. And it was awful. My first year of school was the most difficult for me emotionally and spiritually, which bled over into our relationship. We were exposed to many new opportunities, both good and bad. We were unsure where to set boundaries in our lives. We both had our faith in Christ shaken pretty strongly. It was honestly a miracle that we lasted through that year.
We are now halfway through our third year of long-distance dating. And it sucks less. The amount of time we’ve dated from a distance far exceeds the amount of time we’ve been in the same place. But we’ve learned a ton from it. It has pushed us to get to know each other on a deeper level, forced us to learn how to handle conflict, reminded us how important it is to have Jesus Christ at the center of a relationship, and strengthened us in a way that has cemented our commitment to each other.
But long-distance dating is hard. And Larisa and I wanted to share nine things we’ve learned to make it work. Our experience has only been during college but most of these points will apply to any long-distance relationship. We hope they help you in the same way they have helped us. If you are just interested in dating, check out my post about things to consider before any relationship.
1. Decide if it’s worth it. It’s going to be hard. Really hard sometimes. It will require a lot from both of you. That hard work will pay off but it isn’t without its difficulties. Have an honest conversation with your significant other and think hard for yourself. Can you imagine yourself marrying this person? Is your relationship worth the extra effort you will have to dedicate? This is something Larisa and I talked about beforehand and that initial commitment to each other was crucial, especially in the hardest times.
2. Recognize if you trust him/her. Larisa and I really hadn’t had enough time to build a confident trust in each other when we started long-distance dating. And there are a lot of temptations in college. At most universities, the opposite sex is sleeping in the same building as you, just a flight of stairs away. Alcohol (in excessive amounts) is very accessible. Many other temptations are prevalent as well, but you get the point. Is the person you are dating trustworthy? Will they stay committed to you even when you are miles away? The more trust that is built before doing long-distance, the easier it will be. And this applies to more than just if they will be committed to your relationship specifically but also if they will stay committed to who they are and to their faith.
3. Establish expectations. This may not be something that you can solidly define beforehand but it’s great to at least get a vague idea of what you both are expecting. How often will you communicate? How often will you travel to see each other? Are you comfortable with them having close friendships with people of the opposite sex? Communicate your expectations to them and listen to what they have to say as well. For example, Skype (or FaceTime) dates are really important to me during the week, whereas Larisa would be totally fine with a simple phone call. But because that expectation has been communicated, we make time during the week to video chat.
4. Make communication important. Like really important. Share your calendar with each other, communicate your plans, your opportunities, what you’re learning. Stay up-to-date with what’s happening in each other’s lives so you don’t feel worlds apart. Schedule Skype dates (like actually schedule them, on your calendar, just like you would a dinner date). Talk on the phone regularly, even if it’s just a short ten-minute call. Also, on a side note, talk about money. I often want to be the one to take the train to visit Larisa, to buy her dinner, etc. Sometimes you simply won’t have the money to do those things and it’s important to recognize each other’s situations so you can adjust your plans accordingly.
5. Be romantic! Don’t forget this one even if it doesn’t always come naturally to you. When you’re showing love to someone from a distance, you sometimes have to get really creative. Here’s some ideas that we’ve done: Leave loving post-it notes all over their room at school when you visit. They’ll find them during the week and love it. Send them cookies or cupcakes from a local bakery that delivers. Send each other voice texts so that they can hear your voice. Use Snapchat – sometimes getting a picture is way better than just a text. Send them a loving email to the email address they use most. Surprise them by showing up on their campus without them knowing. Send them letters. Put loving notes on to their Google calendar if they have one: it’ll notify them throughout the day. Put in the extra effort to make them feel loved. I promise it’s worth it if they are worth it.
6. Give space. A healthy amount of space will be really helpful for both of you, especially if you both are moving on to a new season of life. Communicate daily but don’t text each other 24/7. Give them the space to have experiences and build friendships where they’re at. It’s really important for both of you to invest in where you’re at so you aren’t constantly disappointed that you’re not with the other person. A little bit of space goes a long way. This is something Larisa and I struggled to do in our first year of school, but we both feel like we can breathe and explore more opportunities now that we’ve recognized the need for space throughout the day.
7. Encourage them. College is hard on its own. Don’t forget to acknowledge their accomplishments, encourage them to be the best they can be, and spur them on to a deeper faith in Christ. Be there for them. It is so beneficial to have someone cheering you on during some of the most forming and difficult years in your life. Be the person they can always count on to provide encouraging words.
8. Make special moments. I remember the first time Larisa visited me at school. I had only been in Chicago for a couple of weeks and was clueless about how we should spend our time (Larisa isn’t allowed to come up to my room at school and that’s where I usually spend most of the day). We walked around Chicago aimlessly and eventually went to dinner, both clearly frustrated by the day’s events. She was disappointed and frustrated that the time wasn’t more meaningful and I was frustrated because I didn’t know how to change that. We quickly learned how important it is to use the time you have with your significant other wisely. Don’t waste the time that you have together. Plan things so that you are sure to have special moments together that you can remember back on. Yes, give yourself time to work on homework or cuddle, but balance those things out with planned events and time to actually sit and talk with the person you love.
9. Rely on Christ. This is the most important piece of advice Larisa or I could ever give you. When times are hard, don’t solely rely on each other for love or encouragement. But wholly rely on Jesus Christ to provide for all of your needs. Let His love overflow in you so that all the love you give to your significant other is an outpouring of the love Christ has for you. I promise you your relationship will be immeasurably better in every way if you put Jesus at the center. If you’ve never experienced the love of Jesus Christ, I would love to talk to you about it or you can talk to Larisa over on her new blog. I can guarantee that His love is better than any other love you could ever experience.
I hope that this list helps you in some way whether you are already in a long-distance relationship or you are considering starting one. If you have any specific questions about long-distance relationships, I’d love to hear from you and start a conversation.
What are your thoughts? Comment below or contact me on social media. I'd love to hear what you have to say!